Walking down the aisle

I got married this November and my Dad didn’t walk me down the aisle. This wedding tradition has been so set as an expectation that I think most people look at a girl who lost her Dad and think- oh that must be hard for her to take that walk alone.

But I didn’t have to do that walk alone.

Matt and I made the decision to walk the aisle together. And while my Dad not being here is never something I’m ok with, for us, it felt right to walk into our marriage side by side. We were stepping into this next phase for us and our boys as a celebration of what we had built as a couple and family. No one was “giving me away.” We were choosing each other.

Matt and I walking down the aisle

For the last 6 years, I’ve thought about my Dad every day. He still advises me on my career and my relationships. How does he do that you may wonder? For 30 years, I watched him maneuver in life, observing him and listening to him. I try to think through why he made certain decisions and what he prioritized along the way. I strive to apply similar principles to my own life as a way to practice what he taught me. It’s not as easy as the old way of doing things with him. I used to sit at the kitchen counter and he’d talk for hours about his life choices, mistakes and wins. He’d help me think not just about the immediate implication of my choice but the ripple effect it may have. He provided perspective, a broader viewpoint that always encouraged me to push for more. More friends, more success, more events, more fun, more love.

A picture of Dad we had in our kitchen on our wedding day

I miss my Dad every day. But that ache for him grows deeper when I’m lost in life. When I’m at a crossroads and am not sure what to do; when I’m dealing with a situation that is complicated or messy. It’s those hard days where his absence is felt so deeply. But when I am at peace, when my life is going in a direction that feels right, I feel his presence more than his absence.

So as Matt and I made the decision to get married, I thought about what my Dad would think of it all. The windy path of our past lives, the hard decisions and the easy decisions all culminated to this one glorious fall day. And there was not a moment of that day that I didn’t feel at peace.

The golden light gifted to us on our wedding day

I can truly say the walk down the aisle was the most beautiful walk I could have imagined. My Dad was there with us each step of the way. I felt his presence all around me as I got ready, soaked in the moments and took that walk down that beautiful aisle surrounded by only the closest family and friends. He sent us the most incredible weather, accompanied with stunning golden light in our backyard that I’d never seen before or since that day. And there is no doubt in my mind he also had something to do with connecting me to the man I took that walk with and the three little men who fill my heart with so much joy.

My first look with the boys